My first visit with the fellowship

I attended my first AA meeting last night.

I almost backed out at 4pm. My almost 9 month old had awoken grizzly from her nap and my toddler was yelling at me about pencils. I was scared.

I picked up the phone and called the AA hotline and told them how anxious I was, how petrified I was and lastly how terrified I was to see someone I knew there. The man on the other end of the phone chuckled with amusement and informed me that if someone I knew was at AA then they were there for exactly the same reason I was - they therefore could not judge my sins.

The clock ticked slowly over the next few hours, the anxiety of the reality of my situation came and went in waves crashing on the shore.

See, I knew I had a problem when I first touched alcohol. One drink in and I was tipsy - I was 15...

My first experience of being black out drunk occurred when I was just 18. That was the first time my drunk alter ego appeared. That night I passed out and threw up in my sleep. I knew then that maybe something was wrong with alcohol and me, something just never felt right.

So just how had I let it get this bad? Where did I lose myself along the way? The ridiculous part of all of this - I don't actually like the taste of alcohol or how it makes me feel. That's how little control I have over it.

I busied myself getting dinner ready for the kids and tidying the house before bedtime and preparing my babies for bed. I kissed them both tenderly, silently promising I would be a new mummy, I would be a better mummy - A happier mummy, I would be a 100 percent sober mummy for the rest of their lives.

I kissed my husband goodbye, tears silently trickled down my face. His words as I left were "If its not for you, you don't have to go back" I choked back my response "But it is for me, and I do have to"

I picked myself up a coffee on the way and pulled into the car park of the local hospitals community health branch. Took a deep breath, got out of my car and pushed the anxiety to the back of my mind.

After a few minutes trying to figure out how to get into the meeting without asking reception where AA I was, I popped my head into a room where i found a gentleman setting up. I found myself explaining that this was the first time I had ever attended a meeting and then the tears began as I hurriedly told this complete stranger why I was there.

Rather than judge me, he hugged me, earnestly - like he felt the pain and shame to the very core of my soul. He told me I was in exactly the right place - and honestly I knew in that moment I could do this.

He handed me brochures and made small talk until the other members began to arrive, greeting each other familiarly, each of them introducing themselves to me and shaking my hand fondly. The meeting commenced with just  of us in the room - we were all different ages, all with varying degrees of alcoholism, but all with a compelling addiction to alcohol in one way or another.

We started out the meeting talking about 12 steps and listened to the tape and read the big book. We read step 7 - Humility. I sat there awkwardly as the other members spoke, I had no idea what humility was! This was one I was going to need to look up when I got home! But the more I listened the more i realised we were all like-minded and just wanted to live our lives in peace and free from the binds of this consuming disease.

When it was my turn, I was surprised to hear myself speaking up, the words spewing out of my mouth and tears streaming down my cheeks- what felt like the hours was actually the longest few minutes of my life. I had just told four strangers that I was an alcoholic mother who wanted to regain my life and be a better person for my husband and my children. That I was fearful what kind of lives I would shape these tiny human beings into or worse, if I wasn't here to shape them into the beautiful people I want them to be.

Instead of being met with judgement, I applauded and told I was brave and most of all, the most comforting thing yet - I was not alone.

I promised myself I would return next Monday, and I will go every goddamn Monday for the rest of my life if that is what it takes.There is too much at stake. I will not fail. I cannot fail.

When enough is finally enough.

I woke up startled, trying to patch together the events of the night before and early morning. There had been an argument, crying and a lost panicked stumble home.

The evening before had started out as a fun boozy kid free night with a girlfriend and ended with me blacked out drunk with no recollection of the events. I learned shortly after waking that I had tried to cheat on my husband via a series of messages and been caught out - I had no memory of this. In fact sober I had no desire to ever be with another man asides from my husband.

I am not your typical drinker, I can drink every few days and stop at 2 - even though I want more. Occasionally though, every few weeks I would push past those 2 and end completely blotto usually at home with my husband not even realising that I was in a black out. The next morning I could barely function and I had to put on my mum hat and be a parent.

My relationship with alcohol has always been temperamental. I knew from a young age that I shouldn't drink - but always tried to keep up with the drinking culture and have fun with my friends. In my early 20s I used alcohol as a coping mechanism for my emotional troubles. My early to mid 20s was some of the darkest times of my life - because of alcohol.

I stopped drinking once before for a period of 6 months just to prove I could do it and I could.I fell pregnant soon after that and did not touch alcohol while I was pregnant.

After the birth of my daughter my husband and I began social drinking again - and the familiar big nights started happening from time to time where I would black out and wake up in an anxious panic terrified of what my drunk alter ego had gotten up to.

Quite simply - I transform into a different person when I drink and it happens so instantaneously that no one is generally aware of it.

I am a mum now with 2 beautiful little children. Children I want to shape into amazing human beings. I have a husband who i love with such a ferocity that I would never in my right mind want to do anything to hurt him.

So the next morning when I woke up and was faced with the facts - I chose not to sweep it under the rug and to try use alcohol as an excuse there was no possible way I could take it all back, there was no way I could erase the utter shame I felt. If I didn't break this habit and change my ways I was going to lose everything - my precious family who are the core of my existence.

So I picked up the phone and called lifeline and then I called AA.

I let my story unfold as told me by my husband and best friend of the night before. I admitted that this hadn't been the first time I'd been black out drunk. The man on the other end of the phone listened to me sob and tell him I was a horrible person, then finally at the end of my spiel he spoke the words I'd been wanting someone else to confirm for years - "You have an illness, your are an alcoholic. You're not a bad person."

Rick*, I learned was his name shortly into our conversation, went on to tell me that the blackouts I was having was actually my brain being damaged. He went on to tell me that there are many difference kinds of alcoholics and that when he first came to terms with his alcoholism he did not think that he could possibly fit into the came category as he didn't drink every day and wasn't some drunk hobo sitting on a park bench. Genetically our DNA is wired by an illness that affects our ability to consume alcohol. Alcoholism unfortunately is embedded into both sides of my genetic make-up. My behaviour from the night before was pretty common among the alcoholic community I quickly learned.

I have begun to research if as a mother in particular I am alone - I've been gobsmacked to find that like me, there are in fact mum's in similar positions as myself - with the picture perfect family, drinking themselves into oblivion when the kids go to bed. Statistics show that women now are alarmingly drinking more than they ever have, and I for one do not want to be a statistic anymore.

This journey will not be easy - but I will do this, because my children deserve better, my husband deserves better and quite frankly I deserve better. 

I want to share this story at my turning point - because its one thing to share funny drinking memes on social media about mothers who need their alcohol crutch to deal with the general stresses or parenting, but is an entirely different thing when you are living out that as reality.  Because it is shameful to wake up having to apologise for behaviour you can't remember, for an opinion someone now has of you because of your drunk actions. You can practically feel the shame seeping through the pores of your skin, your stomach a knot of anxiety and embarrassment.

I am happy to be attending my first AA meeting tonight and look forward to a brighter future and the best me I can be.

If you are know someone or you find yourself in a similar position please get in contact with Alcoholics Anonymous in your country. In Australia the AA Hotline number is 1300 222 222.
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