When enough is finally enough.

I woke up startled, trying to patch together the events of the night before and early morning. There had been an argument, crying and a lost panicked stumble home.

The evening before had started out as a fun boozy kid free night with a girlfriend and ended with me blacked out drunk with no recollection of the events. I learned shortly after waking that I had tried to cheat on my husband via a series of messages and been caught out - I had no memory of this. In fact sober I had no desire to ever be with another man asides from my husband.

I am not your typical drinker, I can drink every few days and stop at 2 - even though I want more. Occasionally though, every few weeks I would push past those 2 and end completely blotto usually at home with my husband not even realising that I was in a black out. The next morning I could barely function and I had to put on my mum hat and be a parent.

My relationship with alcohol has always been temperamental. I knew from a young age that I shouldn't drink - but always tried to keep up with the drinking culture and have fun with my friends. In my early 20s I used alcohol as a coping mechanism for my emotional troubles. My early to mid 20s was some of the darkest times of my life - because of alcohol.

I stopped drinking once before for a period of 6 months just to prove I could do it and I could.I fell pregnant soon after that and did not touch alcohol while I was pregnant.

After the birth of my daughter my husband and I began social drinking again - and the familiar big nights started happening from time to time where I would black out and wake up in an anxious panic terrified of what my drunk alter ego had gotten up to.

Quite simply - I transform into a different person when I drink and it happens so instantaneously that no one is generally aware of it.

I am a mum now with 2 beautiful little children. Children I want to shape into amazing human beings. I have a husband who i love with such a ferocity that I would never in my right mind want to do anything to hurt him.

So the next morning when I woke up and was faced with the facts - I chose not to sweep it under the rug and to try use alcohol as an excuse there was no possible way I could take it all back, there was no way I could erase the utter shame I felt. If I didn't break this habit and change my ways I was going to lose everything - my precious family who are the core of my existence.

So I picked up the phone and called lifeline and then I called AA.

I let my story unfold as told me by my husband and best friend of the night before. I admitted that this hadn't been the first time I'd been black out drunk. The man on the other end of the phone listened to me sob and tell him I was a horrible person, then finally at the end of my spiel he spoke the words I'd been wanting someone else to confirm for years - "You have an illness, your are an alcoholic. You're not a bad person."

Rick*, I learned was his name shortly into our conversation, went on to tell me that the blackouts I was having was actually my brain being damaged. He went on to tell me that there are many difference kinds of alcoholics and that when he first came to terms with his alcoholism he did not think that he could possibly fit into the came category as he didn't drink every day and wasn't some drunk hobo sitting on a park bench. Genetically our DNA is wired by an illness that affects our ability to consume alcohol. Alcoholism unfortunately is embedded into both sides of my genetic make-up. My behaviour from the night before was pretty common among the alcoholic community I quickly learned.

I have begun to research if as a mother in particular I am alone - I've been gobsmacked to find that like me, there are in fact mum's in similar positions as myself - with the picture perfect family, drinking themselves into oblivion when the kids go to bed. Statistics show that women now are alarmingly drinking more than they ever have, and I for one do not want to be a statistic anymore.

This journey will not be easy - but I will do this, because my children deserve better, my husband deserves better and quite frankly I deserve better. 

I want to share this story at my turning point - because its one thing to share funny drinking memes on social media about mothers who need their alcohol crutch to deal with the general stresses or parenting, but is an entirely different thing when you are living out that as reality.  Because it is shameful to wake up having to apologise for behaviour you can't remember, for an opinion someone now has of you because of your drunk actions. You can practically feel the shame seeping through the pores of your skin, your stomach a knot of anxiety and embarrassment.

I am happy to be attending my first AA meeting tonight and look forward to a brighter future and the best me I can be.

If you are know someone or you find yourself in a similar position please get in contact with Alcoholics Anonymous in your country. In Australia the AA Hotline number is 1300 222 222.
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